ballastically

I have issues with people who discriminate based on generation. Each generation faces its own problems and challenges. Sure, we are privileged to have been born into the time where technology is so advanced and we're able to get our answers immediately. We're at a time when primary education is compulsory and there are multiple tertiary education institutes so it's no longer an issue of not getting a further education. So maybe because everything is handed to us we appreciate it less. But that has nothing to do with our generation. That has something to do with human nature. When we attain something so easily, we think less of its value just because we put in less effort into getting it.

Sure, this 'easy' life has had an impact on our personalities. Maybe we'll be able to take less challenges. But let's wait and see. Don't judge based on how 'easy' life has been for us. Who's to be blamed in that context?

So why did I waste my time knowing that I would feel this way after?

I really hate to sound so academic-oriented but when you're in a education system like this, it's highly unlikely that you'll be able to remain indifferent to the fact that others are performing better and I'm the only one left behind. Maybe it really doesn't matter, it surely does not define who I am, but my grades are terribly effective at changing my mood and I wish I had the willpower to focus and to persevere despite all the difficulties while studying.

There's still time, still a small chance to make whatever significant difference and I do hope that this feeling remains - this feeling of regret that I could have been more effective and could have performed better. Maybe this time, it'll serve as motivation.

Time to start something new.
Time to leave behind what caused me pain, anger and unhappiness.

Here's to new experiences, new traditions and holding on to the people who matter. <3

If the words were meant to be constructive criticisms, that's what I'll take them to be. However I can't help but feel that there was an underlying disapproval of me and how I carried out my duties.

I can't change the animosity in the "relationship" so I'm left with taking control of my reactions t the criticisms and the snide remarks made to my face. I'll smile and take it. That's my christmas gift to you.

I don't think I can say that I know who I am right now.
But I do know that if I keep bending to the wills of others, I'll never find out who I am.

Sometimes, it takes a little consideration. Knowing that I have to read through everything that is written and edit the English, be fair to me and pass me your inidividual parts early. As it is, I have to do my part and pratically re write everything else. That calls for additional research to understand what the heck the paragraph is about because sometimes the language is just not comprehendable. I really don't want to be mean and I understand that they have only learnt english for two years but it's about consideration. By giving me just one pathetic night to edit and format is really not fair. And I'm always made to be the bad person because I rush them. Hell, I have other things to do. As it is, I'm spending almost every night editing. It's such a tiresome job and it's so much additional work that I don't want to do it anymore. But what choice do I have? Ultimately, it's also my grade at stake.

Mid-terms were a bad experience for me, Come to think of it, this whole semester has been rather bad. For some reason, I can't find my drive to study. And the lectures are getting more and more complicated and this is really not going to work out if I cannot discipline myself. I lay in bed awake and anxious but by the time I'm up, I've no motivation to do anything. I honestly don't know how I'll fair this semester and I don't want to have to re-take any modules. If that happens, I can kiss my SEP goodbye. Sigh, eye on the prize, mag.

Why am I always taking things for granted, that they'll miraculously solve on their own. I figured the email I sent was relatively straight forward, just requiring to change the order of my choices. And so I expected it to be done for me. Call me stupid, really really really stupid. Because apparently, administrative staff cannot do that for you and she reverted my entire application. And since I was busy for the rest of the day, I did not check my email until today, which is 2 days past the deadline. So here I sit, with my application reverted because of one small error. I MEAN SERIOUSLY, why bother including in the instructional mail that changes after submission can be made but must be emailed to them when they are not going to bother to do the changes anyhow?

And of course, I'm upset, but my father sees it as me being careless (as usual).

At least there's still a solution out of this stupid and unnecessary mess. It's going to inconvenience be quite a bit, but what to do? SIGH.

I have to apologise for my lack of patience and for being so easily irritated these past few days. Perhaps the anger in me just started affected my attitude.

I've been caught in this mess for quite a while now. Wondering exactly what a ministry should be, what serving God entails and what you should get out of it. I used to think that being in a ministry meant serving, doing for others out of love and not being concerned about the returns. But somewhere along the line, everyone started thinking of themselves first, and in a ministry, when the focus shifts and everyone starts moving from the vision and goal, it becomes so difficult to grow spiritually and to serve. No one wants to put in additional work and everyone's suddenly really good at delegating work to everyone but themselves. And in a ministry, its especially important to have the willingness to serve, but that seems to be absent. No one seems to care about anyone other themselves, and that leaves me, wondering where I stand in this mess. It's not a matter of being taken for granted or being stepped all over, it's more of knowing that serving God is not about me; its not about what I gain but what I can give to the community. But when there are few thinking this way, the few end up in a situation where they're taken for granted and are at the receiving end of bad attitudes. That leads me to question myself whether all this is worth it, whether I really am receiving spiritual input from this ministry and while to all the question I would probably answer no, I still find myself bound to this ministry until December.

My parents' view is that I should forget about it all, leave the ministry since they're giving me a hard time and since they're not recognising the work that I've put in. But what would that leave me as? Another member who stopped serving God because she felt over-worked and under-appreciated. To me, that sounds like a pretty crappy reason considering Jesus took up his cross for us and considering God loves us despite our faults. But then again, I'm human, I'm not capable of such love.

Somewhere along the line, I stopped caring, I just did what I had to out of obligation and my whole attitude towards my ministry changed. I guess it showed in my attitude and it's coming back to haunt me - making it so difficult to get people to respect and listen to me. This sounds like some sick joke. But I'm honestly too tired to care, I don't want to put in the effort, I've lost the passion that I started with and now I'm wondering what's keeping me there. Despite it all, I know what responsibility is and while the rest of the world may call it stupidity, I said I would do it, so I'll keep my word.

But what comes after is uncertain. I can't continue like this where I'm attending week after week out of obligation and I carry out my duties grudgingly. I'm exhausted and I need to leave to find out again, what it truly feels like to serve.

My apologies for the cheesy subject. I just figured it's about time I wrote something about my 5 week stint at Raoul. I think it was pretty much a downhill slope and a really slow climb back up. My assumptions on work ethics led to misunderstandings and of course, scoldings and I guess I can put this into my bag of "bad work experiences". Nevertheless, working in the service industry emphasized the need of humility with working with people and serving people. While I had the fortune to interact with many understanding customers, there were a few who demanded quick service and were downright unreasonable. They have probably never set foot in the retail industry nor have they looked at how much stock there is in a stock room. Understably, for the price they pay, they ought to get quality service - but the issue here is being reasonable. I do not have 4 arms nor do I have 2 mouths to be able to serve 2 people at once. On a sidenote, let's hope that most customers were satisfied with the service I provided. 



I thank the Lord for allowing me to meet new people through this experience and though some I hope I will never have to see again, they helped to make my time at Raoul extremely memorable, be it good or bad. Would I do retail again? I'm really not sure, I'm practically flat-footed from the long hours of standing but it is very satisfying to serve a customer and have them purchase an item. Maybe when I get bored again. :P 

The start of Year 2. It's probably going to pass by in a flash and so I really ought to stop watching Sungkyunkwan Scandal and start doing my readings. But, I'm only 2 episodes away from the end, so a healthy pace of 1 episode per day should be good. (: 

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I spoke too soon today - thinking without speaking and without considering the feelings of the people around me. Sure, we're family but that still does not indicate that no hurt will be inflicted. And what makes me most embarrassed is that I did not even realised that my words had the potential to insult and that they were insensitive until my mother told me. What happened to being self-aware? And being sensitive?